I Hate You
by MadsDragon
Summary: AU. Lily Evans has left hogwarts and wants to play quidich profesionally. The problem is, only guys are allowed to play. When Lily dresses up as a guy to play on the England team, James Potters team coincidentally, what will happen?
1. The Ridiculous Plan

Chapter 1. The Ridiculous Plan.

… And the crowd goes WILD! Lily Evans sat up. She was in the audience of the semi-finals, a Gryffindor versus Ravencalw match. The cheering she had heard was because the Gryffindor keeper, Troy McLagan, had just made an awesome save. Lily tried to watch all of the game but her eyes kept straying to the seeker. That's should be _my_ position, Lily thought. If only girls were allowed to play Quidich, I could be on the team. Lily sighed. There was no use. No one wanted a girl on the team. She just wished she could do something more then study in her life. Being in her seventh year Lily new it was time to start considering life matters. She may have been doing so since she was 12 years old but there was no reason to trust her judgment back then, before she liked Quidich, she told herself firmly. The one good thing in her life was that the most annoying guy ever, James Potter, had left two years earlier and had quit asking her out. She glared at the memory. Just because most people fawned over him didn't mean she was going to. She had thought that people older than her, even if it only was by two years, would be more mature. The infamous marauders had made her see the error of that thought. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and of course, James Potter. How she hated them. Lily flipped her long red hair. She ticked off their characteristics on her fingers. Sirius Black, enemy, shoulder length black hair, grey eyes, tallish, full of himself. Remus Lupin, occasional study buddy/ companion, long brown hair, brown eyes, tallish, standable. James Potter, arch nemesis, messy black hair, hazel eyes, tallish, all-round prick. Lily was only dimly aware that the quidich match had ended with Gryffindor winning 270 to 140. She left the stands and went to stand with her best friend Alice Prewett.

" Howdy whore," said Alice.

" Hey, bitch," responded Lily. (A/n. I know Lily's supposed to be all sweet and innocent but I don't give a fuck.)

" You seemed to be enjoying yourself there." smirked Alice.

"I'm sorry, but you no I can't help it." Lily whined.

"I know," said Alice, "but you could _try"._

"Or not."

"Slag".

"You can talk".

They dissolved in a fit of giggles causing many odd glances in there direction from first years unused to the sight and a lot of knowing looks to friends from the others.

(A/n. I can't be bothered writing what happens at school so I'm skipping ahead to the last day. It was towards the end of the year anyway).

"IT'S THE LAST DAY," screamed Alice, jumping on Lily's bed.

Lily rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. Alice kept on shouting.

"I know, I _know_ already." Groaned Lily.

"Lily it's our _last day._ At Hogwarts. _Ever._" Said Alice sounding irritated.

"Yes, and I'm going to lead a crappy life at a crappy job in a crappy house in a crappy town with. Out. Quidich. In. It." Lily punctuated every word with a slap of her hand on her knee.

"You could always pretend you're a guy and just cut and charm your hair." Alice joked.

Lily's face lit up.

"You're not really going to. Are you? Lily Evans answer me. You will not dress up as a boy to play quidich. You will NOT!"

"It was your idea," grinned Lily evilly.

"AS A **_JOKE!" _**screamed Alice.

"You suggested it so now you have help me!"

"I hate you!" hissed Alice.

"I know you do." Said Lily brightly.

"Fine, you win, I'll help. But I'll laugh my arse off when you fail." Growled Alice.

"That's fine with me cause I won't fail." Said Lily simply.

"Will to."

"Will not."

"Will to."

"Will not."

"Will to!"

"Will not!"

"WILL TO!"

"WILL NOT!"

"WILL TO TIMES INFINITY SQUARED!"

"WILL NOT TIMES INFINITY_CUBED_!"

"Did I mention that I hate you?" said Alice in an annoyed voice.

"Many times. I've learnt to live with it." Said Lily.

"Ok, so now we plan…."


	2. Killer Python Phenomina

**DISCLAIMER: **None of the stuff you recognise belongs to me. It's all J.K Rowling's. Except for the stuff that's mine.

**Summary:** AU. Lily Evans has left Hogwarts and wants to play quidich professionally. The problem is, only guys are allowed to play. When Lily dresses up as a guy to play on the England team, James Potters team, what will happen? Gay Sirius. Caution: Swearing. Hopefully slash (if my co-writer will allow it).

Chapter 2.

Killer Python Phenomena.

Lily woke up the next morning in her friend Alice's house. When Voldemort murdered her parents, Lily had no other living relatives (beside her horrible sister Petunia), so Alice and her family had adopted Lily.

"Rise and shine sleepy head," called Alice's mother, Rochelle. Trudging downstairs in her yummy sushi pyjamas, Lily was welcomed by the smell of breakfast.

"Hey Lily," said Alice.

"Urrrrgh," groaned Lily.

"Good," said Alice, simply guessing that Lily was ok.

"Why… you… happyyyyyyyyy?" Lily slurred.

"That's the way I was born," Alice said even more brightly.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," Lily said, supposedly in agreement.

"Time to go shopping," said Alice.

At this Lily woke up. "WHAT! Why? You know I hate shopping. You can't make me go."

"Oh _can't_ I," she said evilly.

"Don't punish me for wanting to play Quidditch," moaned Lily.

"Actually, that's why we're going shopping. Or have you decided you don't want to play Quidditch? You have to have guys clothes if you want to be a guy," Alice said matter of factly.

"No, really," said Lily sarcastically.

"Duh. Jeese, Lily, you really _are_ thick," Alice said, missing all trace of sarcasm.

Lily slapped her head with her hand and they heard laughter from the next room. Laughter they recognised.

"Come out, Tanya, we know you're there," called Alice. Tanya came out of the lounge room.

"How much did you hear?" asked Lily?

"I came in time to hear Lily tumble down the stairs," said Tanya. Tanya was a half blood Persian who had grown up in America most of her life. Then she moved to Australia and then transferred in her 4th year to England. Before Hogwarts she went to an Australian school called Dragol.

"I did not tumble!" said Lily indignantly.

"Hate to break it to you, Lils, but you did," said Tanya. "What've you got for breakfast? I'm starving."

"We have _not_ got killer pythons or snakes," said Alice quickly.

Tanya poked her tongue out. "You said that to quickly, but it's okay. I feel like cereal today, anyway."

Lily put in her bit. "You never can be to sure with you, Tan."

"I'm not even going to grace that with an answer," Tanya said snootily.

"'Tanya' and 'grace' are not usually put in the same sentence," Lily scoffed.

Tanya gasped and hissed, "I hate you," at Lily.

"Of course you do," said Lily condescendingly, and then proceeded in talking in baby talk.

Rochelle – Alice's mother – came down the stairs. Rochelle looked just like Alice with dark blonde hair and a round sort of face. The only real difference was that Rochelle had misty blue eyes and Alice had cloudy grey eyes like her dad. Alice also got her height – or lack of – from her father. Her mother was tall but Alice was short.

"I'm not going to ask what you were talking about because I'm afraid of the answer," joked Rochelle. They all laughed.

"We were just talking about a harmless bit of shopping," said Tanya innocently.

"Of COURSE you were," said Rochelle suspiciously. "While you talk about your SHOPPING trip, I'm going to put the washing on. Do have anything you want washed?"

"No mum, now LEAVE!" said Alice and with that, Rochelle left.

"I want CEREAL!" declared Tanya. "Hey… wait one darn tooting moment, what's that in the cupboard?"

Alice quickly went over to the cupboard spoken of, and leaned on it, trying to hide the protruding black, cardboard box. "It's nothing, nothing, what thing in the cupboard?" said Alice a tad desperately.

"Do not try and hide it from me, Miss Prewett,' said Tanya triumphantly. 'I'd know that box anywhere. That box equals _one thing_… KILLER PYTHOOOONNNSSS! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Tanya used her wand to throw Alice out of the way and launched herself at the black box. Lily tried one futile attempt to stop her but was awarded with a kick in the shin for her efforts.

"Ow, Tanyaaaaaaaa," Lily complained. "Don't kick!"

"Shut up, poo bum," said Tanya aggressively, it looked like Alice had been able to cast a spell and stop Tanya but Tanya was tearing her way out of it.

"NO!" Lily shouted and joined in the spell.

"Stop it, Lily, I know your style! I know your helping Alice - now, STOP!"

"NEVER!" screamed Lily, and thrust all her efforts into the spell.

"I HATE YOU! LET ME GO!" screamed Tanya at the top of her lungs.

"STOP SAYING I HATE YOU!" Lily screamed back and stopped casting the spell. While Lily's defences were down Tanya brought up her wand and screamed,

"EXPELLIARMUS!"

With Lily's and her own wand in her hand Tanya broke free of the spell and was on the box like a barnacle to a rock, shrieking her glee and stuffing her face with Killer Pythons.

"Why did you have them anyway?" Lily asked Alice.

"For bribes," Alice said miserably.

"But you know that she can smell them out a mile away," said Lily.

"It was just in case," said Alice heatedly. "But before you bite my head of let's go shopping."

"I've finished all my killer pythons! Nooooooooooooooo!" wailed Tanya.

"We don't need to go shopping," said Lily completely ignoring Tanya.

"Why not?" asked Alice.

"Because I already have guys clothes. I buy guys clothes not girls because guys things are cooler."

"They are not. Girls things are way better," said Alice.

"Are not," said Lily contemptuously.

"Are to but any way, you simply won't have enough clothes. I want to go shopping and you're my excuse ok LEE EVANS!"

"What are you talking about, hehehehehehehe," said Tanya, giggling and on a sugar high.

"Lily's going to become a quiditch player by dressing up as a guy and so we all have to go shopping and by her guys clothes and then come back here and cut and dye her hair, black probably, somehow bind her chest and then practise until she dies then she'll go of and audition for England's team and become famous and then uncover her secret and James will still love her and she'll grow to love him because he's the captain of the team and then they'll get married and have lot's and lot's of babies," she took a deep breath because she hadn't breathed for the entire sentence, "the end," she sat gasping for breath.

"I don't remember the babies part of it, Alice," said Lily.

"Sounds good, hahahahahahahaha," said Tanya, bubbling up with laughter.

"Tanya my friend," said Lily, putting her hand on Tanya's shoulder, "there's no hope for you."

"I know," she fell into a fit of laughter for no apparent reason and wouldn't stop, even when Lily put a silencing charm on her she still rolled around in silent merriment.

When they finally got her to stop they all apparated into the leaky cauldron and then stepped out of it on to the muggle side of the barrier.

"I love the smell of a fresh shopping day," said Alice, inhaling and smiling.

"That makes one of us," grumbled Lily. Tanya was to busy throwing herself at walls, bouncing around and giggling to reply, though Lily knew that Tanya was almost as anti-shopping as she was.

"What was that, Lily?" asked Alice.

"Oh nothing, nothing," replied Lily airily.

"Ok. Where will we go first? I think Waves then maybe Quicksilver (a/n I got the names off my friends)," said Alice.

"If you say so," said Lily.

"I do," replied Alice.

They spent the rest of the day shopping around town. As it turned out Lily hated most things and Alice got decidedly more exasperated, especially when Tanya got over her high and went into her mourning for loss of sugar stage. By the end of the day they had sore feet but still Alice had persuaded Lily into buying some things. They were just walking back to the Leaky Cauldron when who did they run into…

"Why hello ladies," said James Potter with his trademark lopsided grin, " how are you this fine evening."

"What are you doing here Potter," Lily spat.

"I could ask you the same question but I see you've been shopping so what's the point," said James idly. "No, I'm out on an evening jaunt to pick up some more Quidditch gear for the team. The only problem is that we haven't got the new seeker yet so I don't know their measurements."

"Sounds terrible, Lily hurry up," said Alice who didn't get why Lily was so obsessed with quiditch.

"Don't worry Alice, I'm just leaving. After all, who would want to stay in the company of an egotistical berk like him," said Lily.

Tanya burst into giggles from the sugar, again. She went up to James and started tugging at his spiked hair. "Ding dong!" she sang. "Ding dong, ding dong!"

Alice groaned, and grabbed Tanya's wrist, dragging her away. "Bye James," said called back and started walking off.

"Bye bye, Jamie," said Tanya, laughing her head off. "Jamie, Aimie, Camie, Hamie, Gramie…'

"Bye arsemunch," said Lily and went off to join Alice who was trying to calm Tanya doen.

"I know you love me," James called after her.

"Fuck you," Lily yelled back.

"Get in line," said James. It probably wasn't a good idea that he had moved over to say that last part. The slap Lily sent him was probably the hardest ever, it started bruising immediately.

"You know what Alice," Lily said as they walked off, "I think that today, shopping, for once, was fun." Alice just sighed and shook her head in response.

A/N: what do you think? It's not very good but I'm having fun writing it. Sorry about the first bit. My computer was stuffing up and that's why there are the weird gaps. I hope you like it any way.

**Thankyou to my three reviewers. Tantan, Sharn and Hollabackgurl.**

**Tam maga. You make my day. Yay.**

**Yes I am extremely odd and over the top. It's just so fun.**

**Emo Dragon.**


	3. Not A Chapter

**Authors Notes:**

My laptop was reimaged (all my stuff was deleted) and my backup file screwed up so my next chapter will be longer in coming because I have to write it from the beginning. All over again. Boo hoo.


End file.
